Depression is running ramped in this country. I am not sure the how many people suffer from this but I know the numbers are high. Holidays like this do not help.

I am sure there is some deeper history and meaning to Valentine’s Day, but that has been lost to commercialism. This has become a holiday of expensive gifts and guilt filled sentiment.

If you love someone that is wonderful! You should love them everyday. If you are single that is okay!

Love is something that should be celebrated! You should love! Love should be embraced everyday. The idea of a holiday for love is a wonderful thing, but it seems that somewhere it lost something.

Love is not diamonds, chocolates, and roses. It is and should be something so much more.

Love is compassion, and it is forgiving. Love is non-judging.

Love for yourself is more important than being loved be someone else.

What I think you should do to really celebrate this holiday is simple:

• Do something compassionate.
• Forgive something. Forgive yourself or someone else.
• Tell yourself that you love yourself, and worth loving. Even if you do not believe it, it is true! If you tell yourself enough, you may believe it yourself someday.

Here is a wonderful truth: I love you! Whoever you are, I love you! Everyday!

Let us fill the world with Loving Kindness!!!!

• Wake up
• Keep my hands busy
• Sleep
• Repeat

I lost interest in everything that I once saw as me. When I stopped taking the meds I “woke up,” and I had a moment of pre-enlightement. I had an epiphany and changed my life in a single moment. I made vows to myself, and I started the study of The Dharma.

So far, I have kept the vows I have made to myself. I am sure I will be able to keep doing so.

Somewhere though I managed to fall into a rut. I managed to separate myself from the things I did need to change. I did replace much of that with more positive things. I do not miss the things I have let go of, but I have come to realize I am lacking something.

I hope I am not slipping back into depression. I have been off my meds for almost a year now. Part of me fears that is coming home to roost within me. The other part of me says that I know I have this problem, and sometimes it will effect me. Worrying will make it worse regardless of the reason.

By seeing the problem it puts me at an advantage.

It is time to bring the color back into my life, I need to not let this rut get too deep.

I think today I will take time to meditate. Most often when I do, I think on loving kindness for all sentient beings. Today I think I will focus on the beauty of the world. I will also try to focus on my inner self. Only then will I see what it is that I am lacking.

Remember: Whatever pit we end up in, we dug ourselves. The good news is, that it is never too deep to crawl out of!

Some of the people in my life know that right now I am dealing with some things. I am working hard to not be depressed and some days that is harder than others. I realize that all the suffering in my life is caused by my own actions and as a Buddhist I am taught (and have experienced) that life is suffering.

Once I admit that life is suffering suddenly things do not seem as bad. I also know that most of my suffering and depression is all in my head. I have to sometimes just let go of things to be happy.

Just be happy…

It is not always easy for a healthy mind to just let go and “Just be happy.” How am someone like me do it?

Well for me I like to listen to audio of monks teach The Dharma. That is what I have been doing today. While doing so it made me think, “What is the Buddhist view on mental illness?”

After looking up a few things, I find that the Buddhist view on mental health is not too different from their view on other things. I found one article rather enlightening:  A Buddhist Approach to Mental Illness

I am going to be looking into this idea more. I agree very deeply with the things that the Lama in the article said.

I know like any other faith and religion Buddhism has many different branches. I am not sure if they all have the same views on mental health but it is worth looking into.

I hope that I will be posting more on this topic. I also encourage other people to look into how their faith deals with mental illness. I also truly hope that this brings peace to you and helps you find strength in your own mental health!

After over a week of illness and Netflix, I find myself wanting to turn the TV off and have music on for a change of pace. First I was on YouTube but that got old fast. I hate making my own play lists, and end up playing the same few songs over and over. Then I remembered I have a Pandora account. I have had that playing in the background since.

I was in a Beatles mood, so naturally I picked that station, only to find they play more “like The Beatles,” than they do actual Beatles’ music. I am a little disappointed, but I am dealing with it. I do like the music that is playing at least.

Earlier this morning a CCR song played. I have never been a big fan of them, but never disliked them either. While the song was on I found myself singing along with it. At one point in the song a memory came to mind. It is one that I am not sure I have ever thought of before.

I was very young, I am sure I was less than 5 years old. I know I was not in school yet, past that I am not sure how old I was. In the memory one of my parents (I am not sure which, but I think it was my mother.) was playing a Credence record. I recall watching the record player move. I also remember thinking how cool it was that my parent could work it, and how they were able to find just the right place to put the needle to get the song they wanted. I also remember thinking how wonderful music is. This memory filled me with so much joy!

This was only the first song to bring memories to mind today. So many songs have played reminding me of great moments I have had.

I really started to think about how music has really effected my life. I realized it is more important to me than I have ever given it credit. Even as an infant it was important. My mom has told me over and over that I cried a lot as a baby. She has also told me that Billy Joel would calm me down enough to sleep. This is a trick I have recently started using again. Something about that man’s songs just put me to sleep, and a peaceful sleep too.

So many songs: These have become the soundtrack of my life.

Music has been around long before the human evolved. Music is always in the background if we realize it or not. I think music is as powerful as smell when linked to memory. Today I will fill my home with music and enjoy the memories, and maybe even create new ones.

What music inspires you? What music soothes you? What is the soundtrack to your life?

I am more than a schizophrenic who blogs. I actually do freelance writing too. Lately I have been trying to improve my writing skills, and get up to date on some of the changes in media, and learn more about social media in general. This can be taxing, and to be honest after hours or reading about writing, the last thing I want to do is write.

Also, colds suck. Last week and most of this week I have been laying on the couch sick. Thank you Netflix for helping me stay sane during the days.

Now that I am no longer sick, I am making myself spend some time on this blog.

Today I want to write something more personal. Today, I am feeling very off… I can not really describe it… I feel as though everything is slightly skewed. I woke up feeling like this. I am not depressed, but I do feel that if I am not careful it could lead to that.

Yesterday a girl I have been talking to asked me a question. Her mother has schizophrenia and it has been very hard on her family. She asked me if it was hard to be off my meds. She knows her mother is one of the people who really do need meds.

I can not recall exactly what I said to her. With some thought I have decided, it is very hard to be off of my meds. It takes a lot of meditation, hope, and regardless I HAVE to stay positive. If I let even one negative thought to take hold it could snowball down. Days like today make it even harder. I have to remind myself that it is really all in my head, but sometimes that is just not enough.

The voices are not real, I know this. I also know they speak only lies. That does not change the fact that they are there. Someday I am just tired. I am tired of fighting, tired of smiling… Sometimes I just want to go back to bed. I know I can not let myself do that. That will lead to depression and that is a hard hole to climb out of.

Days like today today I wonder if maybe I was better off on the meds. I have to remind myself how those meds made me feel. Remind myself that they killed my creativity and made me sleep 20 hours a day.

Today is a hard day… I know I will be okay. I have to be.

I will keep my hands busy for a little while, and then I am going to read some Buddhist Teachings and try to meditate. I know there is a reason for everything that happens. I just wish I knew the reason now. It will make this easier to deal with. I know in the end I will learn some great lesson. I know I need to just survive through this day…this moment.

Days like this is why I hold so strong to my spirituality. By helping my mind and body I know I am stronger and that is why I know I will be okay.

My goals for the new year are rather simple. I want to stay happy, and I want to move to a bigger home.  I am starting on these goals right away. Well in my head I have started on these.

As always I am focused on my mental health and I seem to have survived my first set of winter holidays without medication. I admit there were some really rough moments, but I think over all I handled it well. I handled meeting my boyfriend’s family for the first time too. Over all that was far easier than I expected it to be. My wonderful boyfriend made it easy though. He is really a good support for me. I am not sure that he reads this, but I have learned even in my dark moments he says just the right thing.

Most people look back over the last year and think of everything that happened and start to plan the next. I am not doing that this year. I am just counting last year as a WIN and thinking of it as a year of change. This year I want to continue the work I have done and I want to help others this year.

Well I will get back to my research and blog reading and I will start posting something “real” tomorrow.

This makes me happy. I want to thank Dogkisses for this!

The rules to this are so simple but yet I seem to be struggling over one of them… I will get to that in a moment.

Here are the Rules:

• Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
•  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
•  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.
•  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to this site.
•  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

Well Rule one is easy as pie! Even if it was not a rule I would have done that anyway! Oh hey I got rule 2 out of the way too…

The next two rules… I will need to work on that… but I will get to those…

So I will get to the last part now:

1. I am too honest for my own good
2. I am the biggest klutz you will ever meet (That is why I have a cane after all. I did all of that to myself.)
3. I read A LOT!
4. My favorite color is Purple, but everyone thinks it is red because almost everything I own is red.
5. I was once called a non conformist poo-poo head… I am still not sure how to feel about that and that was 15 years ago.
6. I can order Vodka in 4 languages.
7. I changed my last name out of boredom…maybe that was the schizophrenia though

Now for the 15 blogs…

This seems like it should be easy, I read lots of blogs. Some reason though when asked to list them I go blank.

I will start with the blog who nominated me. I am not doing this because they nominated me, but because I really do enjoy her blog!

DogKisses’s Blog (http://dogkisses.wordpress.com/) I found her from a search of schizophrenia and mental health here on wordpress. The story of her son touched me so deeply that I almost cried. Sometimes I forget just how easy I have had it when dealing with the health care system.

The Bloggess (http://thebloggess.com/) This woman is true greatness! It is no surprise she has a book coming out! When I found her blog I was up night reading it. I laughed so hard it hurt, and I woke up the whole house!

Shadows of Love (http://debbie915631.wordpress.com/) I recently started reading this blog. I really enjoy what I have read so far.

Chantaye’s World (http://iamchantaye.wordpress.com/) This whole blog touches me deeply! I have some of the same mental illness that she does, and I can really relate to her! I think anyone who has dealt with mental illness or loves someone who has should read her blog.

God this is harder than I thought it would be….

I feel like there is a spotlight on me or something can we nominate people on twitter… No… well okay then… I guess I will just have to post more later… I know I am missing lots of great people and I hate myself for it….

I am also committing another big no no by typing this directly into wordpress without real planning and I am not sure how much I will proofread it. Please forgive me.

The last few weeks have been rather busy and I have found little time to be at my computer for much more than facebook.

The holidays are always a busy time in my family. This has increased since the birth of my daughter. She was born December 23. She turned 9 this year!

These last few weeks have been filled with highs and lows. This was my first Christmas off the meds in years, so it was a little hard.

I know it was just the stress of the holiday and the fact that I had 3 children all talking at once all the time, but I started to hear the voices more, and even see a few things. I am okay though. I did have to ask people if they really said things or was it all in my head. I also spent 20 minutes looking fora cat in the pantry that was not there.

The good thing though is despite all of this I was able to keep an honest smile on my face! It was nice to not sleep through the Christmas movie times with the family and I loved hanging out with them!

The sad thing is my oldest son, who is 12, is starting to show signs of clinical depression. I know some of it is just hormones but I remember being that age too. It was one of the hardest years of my life. We are going to try to get him back into therapy, but the boy is so smart and been in the game so long he knows what to say for the doctors to say that he is okay. I just hope he stays open and honest with me.

I have always been honest with my kids about my mental illness. The way my aunt helped me I hope to warn them. I know they donot completely understand, but they try. I know in the long run my oldest will be fine, but I am sad that he has to go through depression.

The New Year is almost here now, and I am back in my home town for a week to see (and meet), my boyfriend’s family. I hope I am able to start the new year with a smile. I do not think that will be a problem though.

I should be able to keep bloging as I am here, but for sure next week I will be back to normal. I have notes written down….somewhere on things I would like to blog about.

Well I am also behind on reading blogs so I will go read some, for a little while. I know I have another post I want to fit in today, I am working on it in my head. I hope I can get that done soon… It is and exciting one to me!

Also I have “met” some really great bloggers and I am going to be working on something soon linking to them!

Sometimes life is suffering, there is no escaping this. It is how we handle these moments of suffering that make us stronger or make us suffer more.

“Accept periods of suffering with gratitude, knowing that suffering can teach you a very important lesson” -Barbra Ann Kipfer

I admit that I have not always done the smartest things in life. I have made many mistakes. Most of the time, I knew they were poor decisions too. I honestly did so many things in life just to say that I have. Not so much “bragging rights,” as life experience. I know that experience no matter the outcome is what makes life worth living.

I have been homeless, because I could be. I have tried some drugs, and drank myself stupid. I have had crazy and wild sex, and even been to jail. All in the name of life experience. The whole time I was doing all of these things I knew they were not good. I have learned from all these and well I do have some crazy stories to tell…

Like there was that time I locked myself in a friend’s bathroom tripping on acid and possibly high on coke…

Anyway that has nothing to do with this.

When we just sit behind out computers all day we are missing out on so much. When we do not let our children make mistakes we deprive them of life experience. You can tell people what you have learned but until they live it themselves they will not fully understand.

Life is a journey make it something outstanding…Never stop learning. Every once in a while do something stupid just to feel alive

I really want to say so much more on this topic… I am leaving out so much.

What ever I tell you though, my darling reader, would be my life experience. When the end comes, it is not what I have done, but what you have done that matters.

The Buddha lived a life of luxury, and then he changed everything to live the life of the Ascetic. He did this to find a way to end suffering. Only someone of his background could really understand life and enlightenment the way he did. What can you learn from your own experience.